What do the Animals Say?

Ever wonder what animals talk about in the forest when people are not around? A ranger placed a recorder in the woods, and this is what the animals were saying.

Two deer: “The fat lady in the blue 2014 Honda gave me a pimento cheese sandwich. That bread must have come from the discount bread store, plus the pimento cheese had too much salt.”

Two squirrels: “I don’t want to ever eat another Cheetos, but you must admit they are easier to chew than nuts, plus I like the garlic flavor that comes through.”

Two raccoons: “Honestly, just as I reared up on my hind legs to take the cookie the toddler was giving me, his big sister grabbed that cookie, shoving it in her mouth….SHEES!”

Two possums: “What happened to your head, you have a big knot on top?” The other possum replied, “yea you know I was hanging by my tail, and I must have dozed off.”

Two black crows: “Wow this road kill really smells great, it must be the heat, I don’t think I have tasted better warm opossum this year.”

Two razorback hogs: “Did you hear about the feral hogs that moved in across the field?” “Well….. there goes the neighborhood.”

Two hummingbirds: “I hear that they have not changed the sugar water on the hotels porch in a week.” “If this keeps up I am going to have to find a better place to do lunch.”

Two bears: “If I find who put out the word that we like to eat berry’s after sleeping all winter, I will hurt them……like really bad.”

Two fawns: “I know mother said just lie here very still in this tall grass, and the wolf want see us……..Right.”

Two field mice: “Somehow I don’t think we are the top of the food chain.”

The female beaver to the male beaver: “Just keep slapping your tail on that mud bank.” “You may think it makes you look cool, you just look silly.”

Mother and father bear to their baby bear: “That story about Goldilocks, and the three bears, that’s only a fairy tale.”

Two squirrels: “Do humans understand just how hard hickory nuts are to open?” “I mean don’t get me wrong they taste great, but the amount of work to get into just one is……. not worth the effort.”

Two Blue Jays: “The lady in the 2015 green Ford pick up that threw the half bag of M&Ms out the window almost hit me in the head.” “Be careful, it’s crazy out there.”

Two owls: “are you as concerned as I am about all the sugar, carbs, and fat the humans are feeding us?”

Two field mice: “How does one get on the endangered species list any way?” “I heard once your own the list, life is sweet.”

Two beaver: “If we dam up this stream do you think the EPA will put us in jail?”

Two Bald Eagle: “Have you noticed just how tasty the fish are this year since the humans installed the new water treatment plant upstream?”

Two vultures: “Either the cars are getting faster, or these poor opossums are getting slower, I am not sure which, either way it makes for an easy meal.”

Two Bald Eagles: “It’s a good thing Ben Franklin never ran for president, “I could never vote for anyone who would nominate a turkey as the national bird.” “I mean what was Ben thinking?”

M Alton Headley

 

 

A Larger Medicine Cabinet

I have determined if the number of pills I take each day increases until I am 90 years old….

I am going to need a larger medicine cabinet.

MAH

A Quick Smoke

As a kid growing in the 1950’s I remember the adult (males) would rush out through the front vestibule to grab a quick smoke after Sunday School in the front of our church building, before Church started. During those years I don’t remember our minister ever speaking on the sinfulness of smoking.  🙂

MAH

Cream Chipped Beef (SOS)

Last week the love of my life, my betrothed look at me and said “are you really going to eat that?” To which I thought “well….yes.” She was speaking of was one of Uncle Sam’s most famous dishes. The preverbal Cream Chipped Beef on Toast. Not wanting to be crude, I speak euphemistically of what was known in the military as SOS.” A dish I learned to eat in the mid 1960’s with a degree of relish. If I learned anything while in the employ of the United States goverment was, if a man gets cold enough, and hungry enough, he is happy to eat whatever is placed before him.

In view of the culinary delites from Uncle Sam no wonder I have the ability to eat almost anything. My taste does not include liver, a man must have his limits. Besides Stoffers makes a pretty good facsimile of what Uncle Sam severed us so many years ago. You see the question Kay ask is not so odd after all.

Bon Appetite!

MAH

Four people call me Dad

Fifty years ago this October I joined a most august organization, FATHERHOOD. As a young married man of 23 years I wondered what life would be like as a father. In late October 1967 it all changed. I had just been by my wife’s room, where she was obviously tired from working on this change to our lives for the better part of 18 hours. In those days dads were relegated to a room in the hospital for fathers, smokem if you got’em.

About eleven the next morning there I stood in the corridor of the hospital in Madison, Tennessee grinning from ear to ear, and telling a total stranger next to me while punching the glass with my right index finger, and pointing. “Yea …. see the one in the second row, right over there….yea that, that one, that one’s mine.”

Three additional children were added. The second by marriage, then a third by a second marriage, and the last through adoption, a total of four. Years marched on, some days through tears, others fears.  On we go through bad school plays, and PTA’s not to mention untold nights of homework. There were nights I will admit “I hated that kitchen table.”

As I sat in my chair one evening I remembered the voice that floated across the room that said I need $500.00 next week.” To which I answered “for what?” Hum…. well lets see “what happens every Fall, oh yes hunting season.” Wrong bucko, School Starts!  Well so much for hunting season.

The years passed, and the children go in different directions, until your left with the last, the adopted one. But it’s ok for you have been down this road before, piece of cake….right,……right? You are older, and hopefully a bit smarter, but the years have taken something from you. So you sink into your chair, and the world has not been kind to you today. Ah…. for a few moments of rest.

Then comes the call for you to ascend the stairs as you have done night by night before. You walk into that bed room get on your knees, and say a prayer. Then for the bedtime story, what will it be tonight? You see I told stories which I made up in my head every night for many years. Will tonight be “Herman the Left Turn Worm, or perhaps Robert the One Wing Horsefly, or Harpo the Hippopotamus.”

This nighttime event occurred over 2,200 plus times with the youngest, until one evening as we finished our prayers in the dark his voice said “you know Dad I think I am getting a little old for bedtime stories.” My heart sank, for while I was was not looking my youngest had grown up. He was right, so we kissed good night, and I sauntered back down the stairs to my chair, as tears flowed down these now older fathers cheeks. The good news is I am a father, and event which started almost 50 years ago, and four people call me DAD. I like that sound a lot.

MAH

 

 

Tex Mex

Dallas and Fort Worth, Texas are fortunate to have some of the finest Tex Mex restaurants in America, and some days you just have to have Tex Mex. Late one Saturday afternoon Kay received a call from a lady friend Mary Ann. Kay, and Mary Ann were members of the Sweet Adelines (a womens Barbershop singing group). Mary Ann was calling to see if we would like to join she and Tom for dinner at Joe T Garcia’s Tex Mex in Fort Worth? Kay said “it’s late Saturday afternoon, we have no plans, we’ll be over in 30 minutes.”

Joe T. Garcia’s is a legendary Tex Mex restaurant, and has been in the Fort Worth forever.  The next thing I knew Kay was handing the phone to me. It was Tom, and he was telling us lets meet at the Addison, Texas Airport…….HUH? Tom owned a Piper Cherokee 300-6, one fast airplane. Please understand Tom from time to time prone to taking a drink, but that was good for me because while Tom might imbibe he was serious about not violating the FAA’s rules. Understand I did enjoy piloting a far superior airplane to the ones I could afford to rent.

Upon arrival at the Addison airport Tom had the Piper 300-6 out of the hanger, so I  quickly completed my preflight. Understand if you want to fly from Dallas to Fort Worth it’s not like just going in a straight line. Between the two cities happens to lie one of the world’s largest airports (DFW). It would be more than frowned upon to fly unapproved through that very controlled airspace. So I flew the Cherokee north from Addison to Denton, Texas 30 miles north then vectored south, southwest for Fort Worth Meacham International.  From East Dallas to Joe T’s was and hour plus drive by car, so we take and hour flight to Fort Worth via Denton, Texas and still are not even close to the restaurant. After landing, and a short taxi, then tie down.  Off to the complimentary car provided by the FBO we we finally arrived for dinner. Long story short, dinner was great, and it was a fine moon lit night for our return flight. I have NEVER told anyone I was normal, especially when Tex Mex is involved.

MAH

Air Conditioning

Air Conditioning

If I remember the first business to have Air Conditioning was the Rexall Drug in Sylacauga, Alabama but that was eleven miles away. The day my mother and I stepped into the Rexall Drug my first thought was “the front door is closed (how odd), then I thought how cool it is inside.” It was for sure not going to be Woolworth. I think Woolworth would have rather closed their doors that take down those old ceiling fans that turned one complete turn about every 15 seconds.

The year must have been 1953, or 54 as I looked out the open window with no screens of the Childersburg, Alabama Church of Christ. I had a clear view in a South Southeast direction from a distance of no more than one hundred and fifty yards to the First Baptist Church on this hot August Sunday morning. Understand the Baptist got everything faster than the other churches in town. Most people, at least at our church thought the Baptist were the rich people. From my gaze I could see the closed windows. Then as my eyes shifted slightly to the South two plus blocks away, the First Presbyterian’s windows were open, no AC there. The Baptist had Air Conditioning, in August no less. All the churches in town were jealous, but no one let on.

We we’re usually able to beat the Baptist to Marie Taylor’s restaurant by a few minutes, unless my grandfather William Bennett Dudney started one of his (often) in what was known in the 1950’s as exhorting the congregation. When my grandfather stood for his 15 to 20 minute exhortation for what should have been the end of church a collective groan would pass through the the church. This Sunday morning was no exception, and besides it was August, in Alabama with no discernible breeze.

If you had attended many of the churches in the south in the 1950’s you would understand that much of the heat was generated by the Hellfire, and Brimstone emitting from the pulpits. So to say it was hot in that brick building erected some 42 years earlier would have been an understatement. Matter a fact the Childersburg Church of Christ did not get Air Conditioning until the congregation moved to its new location 300 yards north of Fourmile Creek. I left for college in the fall of 1962 and never got to spend much time in that air conditioned church building on the bend in the Plant Road.

I suppose it’s just as well, for you see I was starting to grow up a bit, and probably would not have miss watching the wasp fly in those open windows at the old downtown Church of Christ anyway. We boys delighted to watch a wasp fly in landing on one of the good sisters hats. All women including the older girls (in those days) wore hats to church, along with white gloves, at least in the summer. I can not begin to tell you the fun we boys got from watching those wasp walk around on one of those hats. We would almost bust out laughing when a wasp landed then started to walk around on one of the ladies dresses. Do you believe a bunch of teenage boys were at church to hear a sermon? After all it was just too hot to listen.

MAH

Why do the Muslims continue to fight?

The Arabs, Palestinians, and  Muslims have fought four wars, and two Intifadas with Israel since 1947, that’s 70 years. WHY…….because the Arabs, Palestinians, Muslims refuses to accept the fact they are beaten. Does anyone really believe the Israelis are going to lose the next war? It’s a common occurrence in history that many countries have fought on long after the war is lost. Think of the Germans and Japanese at the end of WWII. Both countries fought long after the outcome was clear to everyone.  Most casualties in war occur well after hope of victory has vanished.  Some countries have fought until there aren’t enough people left to fight.

As long as the Arabs, Palestinians, and Muslims believe they can turn their defeats into victories they will continue to fight. They must pass through the bitter crucible of defeat, with all its deprivation, destruction, and despair. Amin al-Husseini who started this holy war has been dead 46 years. This world wide destruction, loss of life, and property will continue until the Arabs, Palestinians, and Muslims acknowledge they have lost. When will that day come, I do not know. But as with all wars this one will someday come to an end.

MAH

Kindness

Kindness is the first causality of WAR.

MAH

I Love My Wife

A conversation in the kitchen. Kay, “you put a knife in the dishwasher.” Me, “uh”.  Kay, “you heard me.” Me “uh, oh, yea.” Kay, “how many time have we discussed this issue?” Me “uh, 28 times”, Kay “more.”  Me,  “am I in timeout?” Kay, “you stay in timeout … unless you are cooking.”  Me “am I cooking tonight?” Kay, “yes.”

Man, I love this woman.

MAH